I’m writing this post with a heavy heart. With that dull ache of sadness creeping and wrapping around my bones. With slow, deep breaths and teary eyes.
I’m hurt. More than I’d like to admit. All because of a boy I’ve never met. Even though I told myself I wouldn’t get my hopes up, wouldn’t let myself get in too deep, but my own heart betrayed me anyway and I didn’t realise until last night when it had all been shoved back into my face.
I’m very much all-or-nothing person. This is both a blessing curse – it can help with studying, starting something new, jobs… the list goes on, but it also means I can’t help but give all of me to one person and one person only and in return I need the same or I have to move on.
I have tried to find a balance, because I can’t imagine someone being so head-over-heels for me that we are both obsessed with each other and live happily ever after, but I can’t find one. The idea of having to settle for something less-than-ideal only seem to fit for the dead end jobs I’m working and not for relationships. It’s clear this idea doesn’t work – I’m nearly 21 and I’ve never had a relationship, but trying to find somewhere in between all or nothing is only hurting me.
I’ll give you some context for this situation:
- A few weeks ago I started talking to a guy on Twitter
- Twitter DMs turned into me giving him my number
- Friendly conversation turned into talking all day
- The ‘having no real intention of anything’ on my side turned into ‘sure I’d love to meet and get a drink :)’
- ‘Lets meet’ turned into ‘I can’t wait to see you’
- And that turned into ‘you don’t have to come at all if you don’t want to’
Here’s what went wrong: he got scared. He got scared because he loved someone before and got hurt.
I’m not upset because he got scared, I’m upset because last night he put that girl on a higher pedestal than me. He put his past before his future and told me I wasn’t good enough for him. Maybe it’s human nature to want to wake up in the past and stay in it but I wouldn’t know because I’ve never wanted mine back.
I’ve always had the inkling that he never really got over this girl and the proof was in the pudding – he brought her up more than what he probably realised and last night called her “the love of his life”. How am I ever meant to compete with that? How am I ever meant to be with him knowing he already knew who his ‘The One’ was and it wasn’t me?
Here comes the all-or-nothing bit again: I don’t want to be his second place. I don’t want to be anyone’s second place, and I think that brings me to the title of this post – where do we draw the line between giving up on someone and protecting ourselves?
I don’t want to walk away from what we’ve established because that wouldn’t be fair. It’s not his fault that he has a broken heart and hasn’t mended it yet. But what about if I walked away because I didn’t want to be constantly feeling like I was competing with the other girl? Is that selfish? Or am I just preventing myself from getting even more hurt?
I am stuck. I don’t know what to with ‘us’. I want his undivided attention. I want to feel special. For a change, I want someone to make the leap and fight for me, but I’ve got no experience with relationships, so I can’t work out if that’s too big of an ask or not, if that’s acceptable, what my standards should be.
Quite a while ago, I thought my heart was locked up and no one was able to touch it until I let them. No matter what ends up happening with this guy and I, this experience has taught me that be heart is more open than I ever thought possible.